I’m an old fart now, with old ideas. Not exclusively bad ideas, just ideas that have been around for a while and are rooted in a time and place that no longer exists and was long gone when you arrived. This can make communication difficult. My instincts, just like yours, tell me that all I know is my experience and anyone who dismisses my experience out of hand should pound sand, but this is the wrong way to go about understanding one another. Your experience is as valid as mine, and soon you will be in charge and I will be deciding between the tapioca or the cottage cheese with pineapple when the nice lady brings me the menu. That’s how the world works. You’ll get there, too (if you’re lucky) and it will happen far sooner than you think. This does not change the fact that I was an adult when you entered the world, or that I have a Dropkick Murphy’s t-shirt in my drawer that predates you. Time moves fast.
I often try to imagine how I would feel had I been raised in your world. No question, I would be as anxious as you are, but it is difficult for me to grasp the impact of things I have witnessed unfolding but that did not touch me. I wasn’t raised with stranger danger or play dates, active shooter drills, cell phones, personal computers or the internet. We were fed bullshit when I was kid, too, but it was a different flavor and nothing compared to the scale of theoretical nonsense you have been subjected to. The fact that you are still creative and exploring is a testament to your resilience. Honestly, subjected to the same pressures, I would likely be a mess. But, whatever I think, the world will soon be yours to drive.
You have been handed the tab for a party you had no say in and never attended. There is no getting around it. My generation (and the generation immediately before mine) did that to you. We ran up a huge tab and we taught you too many things that simply are not true. I’m not talking about Columbus Day here, either, or that if you are careful enough life will be safe. We convinced you that you are special and that your feelings matter. That was a lie. You are not special. Neither am I. Our feelings do not matter. You have been fooled.
Back in the early 70s, when I was in my teens, we’d often hear, “Never trust anyone over 30.” No kidding. That was a thing. Google it. We figured we were different, and better. Special. Hard to believe these are the same people now in Congress and your town halls and the Dean’s office and the nursing homes, but that’s the case. Turns out we weren’t smarter, or better, than those who had come before. We were just more self-absorbed. Don’t let the people who made this mistake make the same mistake again, this time to you. Tom Wolfe called the 70s the “Me Decade” and he wasn’t wrong. We Boomers are a generation of self-absorbed navel gazers who, to a large degree, gave up on introspection. That’s no more our fault, though, than the anxiety you feel is yours. It is how we rolled. And we handed that silly idea to you in the form of self-esteem building and participation trophies. We did that to you, but being narcissists, we do not intend to take any responsibility for it. Sadly, it’s up to you to get over yourself and find a realistic self-image. You aren’t going to fix the world, any more than the Millennials, Gen X, the Boomers or The Greatest Generation did.
You know what you can fix? These things:
1) Yourself
That’s it. That’s the entire list. It took me a long, long time to understand this. You’re welcome.
If you want to fight racism? Don’t be a racist. That’s the extent of the struggle and where the real battle exists. Search out racism in yourself and fight it. This is also true of homophobia, greed, cruelty, and selfishness. You haven’t been told this because teaching you to be better doesn’t pay the bills and salaries at whatever activist organization you choose. You can’t fix anyone else. It is impossible to bully people into sharing your understanding of the world. You can fix yourself and be an example. That’s the tool you actually have. The only tool. Accept no substitutes.
A few days ago, my sister told me that she wanted to send “Get Better Soon” cards to a bunch of people.
“Are they sick?” I asked.
“No, but when they say, ‘I’m not sick’ I can say, ‘I know. I just want you to get better!’”
I suspect she wanted to send these cards to some co-workers, but it struck me as funny, because I should have been sending these cards to myself since I was a child.
Here’s the only advice I have for you. The future will come and you will be someone in it. Who that person is is entirely up to you. Whatever you choose to do, be better. If you’re sweeping a floor, be a little bit better at it today than you were yesterday. Playing an instrument. Making coffee. Reading. Being honest. Being a friend, or a son or daughter, or a parent. A better neighbor. A better citizen. A better human.
This sounds difficult, but it isn’t, really, and it is absolutely true. I had a coach once, many years ago when I played high school sports, who would say, “What you do in practice is what you will do in the game!” This is true in every aspect of life. We get good at, and eventually become, what we choose to practice. If we choose to be selfish and self-absorbed today, we will be that much more selfish and self-absorbed tomorrow. If we choose to suck it up, be patient and kind today? We will be that much better at patience and kindness tomorrow. If I’m a dick today? I’ll be a slightly bigger dick going forward. We are always becoming, and it is our choice as to what we become. It is always our choice. Who you are tomorrow is entirely up to you.
Look around. The older people you see are the product of the choices they have made. The person who lights up a room made the decision, long ago, to be that person. The guy with the perpetual scowl and hatred in his heart did the same. They made decisions and practiced, and the future arrived sooner than they thought it would, and they found themselves wearing the face they had crafted for better or worse. That’s a choice they made.
You can help make the world a better place. It just doesn’t happen on a macro scale. It happens between individuals, and it begins with who you decide to be, and it isn’t dependent upon circumstances out of your control. Your anger and hatred don’t move the dial and hurts only you. I get it. I really do. Life is hard. But believe me on this one because it is absolutely true. No one has ever hated their way to better. You will not be the first.
If you live long enough, you will suffer. We all get the entire enchilada if we stick around long enough—happiness and loss, love and heartbreak, rich, poor, struggling, successes and failures. Wonderful memories and haunting regrets. None of this defines you. Your choices define you.
Make good ones.
Peace.
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